Thoughts for my session on “Let’s Pray”

I wanted my visit to “Let’s Pray” to be authentic but I’m a planner and so I wrote down some things that I wanted to share. I ran out of time and didn’t get to touch on everything so thought that I’d share them below:

Initially, I didn’t have the words to pray and so I let others do it for me. While stopped at a traffic light on the way to the hospital, I text messaged my small group to pray. From the emergency room, I let the chaplain pray with me and then with my family when they arrived. Our pastors prayed. Our friends prayed. But no prayers from me, what could I pray for? And so I prayed for others. The morning after Breelyn died, I prayed for the parents who would lose their children that day- that would live and survive their worst day. And I did that every day. And when I needed prayer but couldn’t do it myself, I continued to turn to others. Social media was an avenue that could guarantee me prayer at any time of the day/night.

Soon after Breelyn died- three things targeted my thoughts:

I remembered the story in the Bible where the lepers are healed and the majority don’t come back to say thank you. And so I made sure to thank the EMT and medical teams that had tried so hard to save Breelyn. I thanked them for the dedication and for treating my child like a loved baby. We also started concentrating on generally be thankful- even for small things like a dishwasher, air conditioning, etc.
A Muslim friend messaged me that in her faith it is believed that there is a special place in heaven for those that lose a child and continue to praise God. While I didn’t necessarily believe that to be true, I realized that I could continue to praise God. While Breelyn had died, we were still blessed. Even during the day of her death, God was helping. Just that morning I had breakfast with a friend who’d become a vice president for the health system that Breelyn was taken to. When the chaplain mentioned that their new vice president attended the same church as me, I said yes, I knew that, I’d just had breakfast with her. The chaplain said “I’m calling her now” and thirty minutes later my friend was there. I’d been having lunch with a friend less than a mile away from the hospital. We were discussing her upcoming wedding and she shared that she was having pre-marital counseling with my senior pastor that day. We finished lunch and I was driving home when I got the call to come to the hospital. I was able to arrive at the hospital in minutes because of my lunch date location. After I learned that Breelyn had died, because I knew my friend’s schedule, I was able to call her to come pick up my other daughter Brooklyn from daycare. And when my friend called to let the pastor know that she couldn’t make the appointment, he was able to then contact me to see if we wanted him to come to the hospital. My family was able to get the last seats on a flight from Boston. And some thoughtful people spent their time and talents to make a blanket that the medical team would cover my sweet daughter with. God still loved my family. We were living in a sinful world but we were still blessed.
My dad’s cousin sent me a cd by Selah. There is a Song- Press On that became my mantra. I’d listen to it on repeat as I drove to/from work with tears streaming down my face. And it became my goal, to simply press on. And God would give me the strength to do that. I ordered the cd for all of my family members and it became everyone’s manta- to just Press On.

When the valley is deep
When the mountain is steep
When the body is weary
When we stumble and fall

When the choices are hard
When we’re battered and scarred
When we’ve spent our resources
When we’ve given our all

Chorus:
In Jesus’ name, we press on
In Jesus’ name, we press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on
Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes

We find the strength to press on
In Jesus’ name, we press on
In Jesus’ name, we press on

Dear Lord, with the prize
Clear before our eyes
We find the strength to press on
We find the strength to press on
To press on

Some recent things that have been keeping me going:

Therapy- you don’t need to do this alone. Find a group, get a therapist. Seek the help that you need. There are some fantastic online support groups.
A God box- in a sermon, my senior pastor mentioned that we didn’t need to ask God to take a burden, just give it to Him. When I mentioned this to my therapist, she suggested a God box. So in our house, we actually have a box wrapped up in pretty shiny paper. When I have a thought that won’t leave my head- I tell God that He’s got it, I write it on a slip of paper and put it in the box. This is especially useful at night when my mind is racing, I have to go downstairs to where the box is located- it gets me out of my head.
Breelyn’s Blanket Brigade- we were incredibly touched when Breelyn was covered in handmade blankets. It felt like when we weren’t there to take care of her, someone else had. And while it didn’t change the outcome, our daughter had still died, it helped in the moment. And so I wanted to give that moment of love to others who had similar losses. I learned to crochet. I visited one of my sisters and discovered that my seven year old niece could crochet too. And I thought, if a seven year old can do this, maybe others can too. And so I started a facebook group inviting friends to join my efforts. Just months later, there are over 500 members. I’ve received near 70 blankets and most of them are from strangers! A local church school group is making squares and The Columbia Visitor ran a story about it. A prisoner from OH is working on blankets. It’s been amazing the energy, care, and time that the world is putting into this. We’ll be making the first donations in late February in honor of what would have been Breelyn’s first birthday.

Loss with a toddler

Breelyn is on my toddler’s mind a lot. Last week from the backseat she says “Breelyn died in heaven.” I explain to her that Breelyn died in Maryland where we live and that when Jesus returns we’ll all be together in heaven. Toddler then says, “oh no, Daddy forgot to pick up Breelyn, we need to call him.”

And this week my mom and I decided to turn some of Breelyn’s clothes into teddy bears for my and my spouse’s siblings and parents. Toddler says, “wait, Breelyn will need those clothes.”

This is hard- I won’t pretend that it isn’t. It’s a struggle to explain that we can’t see Breelyn anymore, that we can only visit her grave, that she doesn’t need her special clothes to wear.

Our toddler will grow up longing for heaven in a way that I didn’t understand until Breelyn died. Heaven is more than a really cool place- it will reunite families. It will make hearts whole again. It will make me whole again.

Therapy

I’ve always been a believer in therapy. And now, more than ever, we need it. I thought that I’d share some therapy things that have resonated with me recently…

*Enjoy the moment- do something that makes you smile (I bought fragrant hand soap and face wash).

*The anniversary of your loved one’s death will come every month- embrace it. Celebrate the person that they were. And it’s ok to embellish. In our case, our daughter was almost four months old. She wasn’t eating solids yet, she wasn’t exhibiting interest in anything specific. So, we’re going to speculate as to what she may have been enjoying. Her birthstone color is purple so I think that we’re going to embrace a purple food meal. This will likely mean Swedish pancakes dyed purple and purple smoothies. I also think that I remember grape mentos which I’m going to search out. And, we’re switching from acknowledging her day of death (17th) to her day of birth (19th). She lived- and we want to celebrate that.

*Create a “God box'”- My spouse and I have really struggled to let thoughts go- especially at night. I’d mentioned to my therapist that in church my pastor had said that we don’t need to ask God to take our burden, just give it to Him. My therapist loved this idea and tasked me with making a “God box”. We now have a wrapped box on our table with a slot cut into it. When I can’t get an idea out of my head, I write it on a slip of paper and put it in the “God box.” Somehow that task of physically writing it down and putting it elsewhere has really helped.

For anyone else who is hurting, I’m sorry. Please be honest with others, let them step up to help you during your season of pain. We’re on this planet together. Care for yourself and care for others.

Visitor Article- Covered With Comfort

Thank you for the thoughtfully written article Michelle Bernard!

http://www.columbiaunionvisitor.com/2016/covered-comfort

COVERED WITH COMFORT

December 20, 2016 ∙ by vmbernard ∙ in Chesapeake Conference, This Month’s Issue

Story by V. Michelle Bernard/ Photos by Allison Shelley

When Summer Porter drove to Washington Adventist Hospital (WAH) in Takoma Park, Md., last June, she thought that maybe the dog at the daycare had bitten her almost 4-month-old baby Breelyn Elizabeth. “Death had not entered my mind,” she says. A WAH employee told Porter to wait and that somebody would come talk with her. She soon found out that Breelyn hadn’t woken up from a nap at daycare.

Her spouse, David Burke, and what Porter describes as “first responders”—Mike Speegle, senior pastor at Chesapeake Conference’s New Hope church in Fulton, Md., and Ann Roda, vice president of Mission Integration and Spiritual Care at Adventist HealthCare and a former pastor at New Hope, where Porter and her family attend church—soon arrived to lend support.

Porter and Burke finally saw Breelyn, lying on a full-sized cot, covered in two blankets made by volunteers. “It was really touching [seeing her with the blankets] because it meant that somebody had put the time and energy into it, that somebody was able to take care of my kid when I couldn’t.” Porter adds that families who are dealing with an illness are often able to prepare and bring items for their children who are headed to the hospital. “But when you have an emergency, you just answer the phone and get there. … It didn’t change the situation. My child had still died. But it mattered.”

Pulling the Pieces Together

In the months following the loss of Breelyn, Porter felt blessed by caring family and friends, read a lot about grief, visited with a counselor and wrote thank-you notes to the medical and EMT teams. She and Burke were determined to “get through this together,” she says.

Still, she felt powerless. “Everything else in your life, you can change. … You can control everything. [But] something like disease, an accident or death is an equalizer. It takes who it takes. That hasn’t happened to me before … I couldn’t work my way out of it. Hard work wasn’t going to change the outcome,” she adds. “[We now just] live each day and take it for what it is. You’re just grateful. We concentrated on that pretty quickly.”

The family later found that Breelyn Elizabeth died from sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).

“The number [of children dying from SIDS] is staggering. Initially I’d wake up and pray for other people who are going to live this today,” says Porter. “It has helped us focus outside ourselves and gives us moments of not being alone.”

Building a Brigade

Remembering the comfort she received knowing that someone had wrapped Breelyn in a homemade blanket, and wanting to take more action, Porter learned to crochet so she could start making blankets for other families who had lost children in the hospital. “And that is why we started Breelyn’s Blanket Brigade—to give parents a moment of love,” she says. “I’m concerned for people who don’t have a support network like we did.”

After visiting her sister, Amber Baker, in Boston, and seeing her 7-year-old niece crocheting a square, it occurred to her that more people might be interested in helping to make blankets, birthing the idea for Breelyn’s Blanket Brigade.

Porter created a Facebook page, Breelyn’s Blanket Brigade, and invited 40 friends on the site to start making 5” x 5” squares that she will construct into blankets to be distributed to other families at WAH.

To her surprise, more than 480 people have joined the group. Friends and strangers have sent squares, crocheting supplies and support from Arizona, California, Hawaii, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Ohio, Nebraska, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia, Washington, and as far away as Armenia, Canada, Guam and Wales. Friends of friends have also reached out to her, sharing their stories of lost pregnancies and children. “Social media has allowed me to get prayer when I need it,” she adds.

Breelyn’s Blanket Brigade members are also being inspired by the project. Sasha Ross, a member living in California, posted: “That little girl is making a big impact on the world and on families in need (through you). We need more reasons to love, and to share that love with others, just like Breelyn inspires us to do. Thank you for sharing her with us and letting us be part of her legacy.”

Seventeen members of the brigade are seventh-graders in Suzy LeBrun’s homeroom class (pictured above) at Potomac Conference’s Beltsville Adventist School (BAS) in Maryland. This school year, they’re learning to crochet and are constructing squares to add to the blankets.

“We are so glad we can help Summer and her ministry to parents who have lost little ones,” says LeBrun. “Summer is very thankful that the students are making squares, and the students, even those who are struggling [to learn to crochet], aren’t giving up because they know it is worth it to help others.”

Getting a “Little Better”

The students crochet squares each Friday. This brings more comfort than just the warmth of the blankets. “Breelyn died on a Friday, so Fridays are tough,” says Porter. The image of the students crocheting gives her family something positive to focus on and picture each week, she adds.

Rachel and Naomi Unnikumaran, fourth- and second-graders (pictured with Porter) at BAS, are also making squares for the blankets. “I normally try to copy my sister, and I just want to do something for the babies. I want the families to feel special,” says Naomi. Their mom, Yekaterina, has been friends with Porter since they attended Columbia Union College (now Washington Adventist University) in Takoma Park, Md.

The grief and pain are still immense, says Baker. “Watching my sister, who is a parent similar to any other parent, with all of the normal concerns, slowly figure out how to survive this loss and not just survive, but give her focus toward helping others in this situation, has been incredibly humbling to me,” she notes.

“We still have hard days,” adds Porter. “It isn’t going to go away. We’re trying to move forward. Receiving the [hospital] blanket helped us [the day Breelyn Elizabeth died]. These blankets aren’t going to heal the poor children who are still going to die, but it could make a bad moment a little bit better. That is what we’re hoping for, to help a little bit.”

Resolutions

People around me are saying good riddance to 2016, and, while a large part of me wants to agree- 2016 brought us our second child Breelyn Elizabeth. And, while ultimately, she was lost to us- the important part is that she did live. So, while there are parts of 2016 that I wish had never happened- her birth wasn’t one of those. Our family’s hopes for the future (dare I say resolution) is to live in the moment. We’ll be striving to put down the smart phones, have real conversations, more hugs, and more silly toddler games.

We’re also committed to searching for a cure for SIDS. We’ll be walking in May on The Walk for SIDS and Child Loss. Consider joining or supporting team Breelyn’s Blanket Brigade as we walk to raise awareness and funds to cure SIDS.

https://cf.umaryland.edu/checkout/som/infant-child-loss-walk/

Baby Jesus

Christmas is coming… which means that baby Jesus is everywhere… My toddler is thrilled to see baby Jesus (or any baby for that matter) but continues to say things like “our baby died- her name was Breelyn.” It breaks my heart and has shocked more than one bystander. But, it is so healthy. It’s healthy that a three year old can understand that her sister has died, that it is ok to be sad, and that she’s still very loved.

I haven’t yet figured out the best way to explain my pain, I’m not always eloquent, I struggle. And that is ok- a very sad horrible thing happened. BUT- I’m reminded that happiness is a choice. Every day- I do my best to be thankful for the blessings that I have in my life- even if they seem small. Heat/AC, grocery stores, a loving family, etc. This holiday season, while it will have struggles, it will have its blessings too and I’ll do my very best to be thankful.

Thankful

I admit that I dreaded Thanksgiving a bit. I suspected that it would be hard to focus on things to be thankful for… And yes, some days, its very very difficult. Our daughter died and it’s sad. Counseling, hugs, and chocolate can’t change that. But other days, it’s easy to know that we’re still blessed. And today was one of those days. Today Dave, Brooklyn, and I got to go to a local grade school to meet a class of seventh graders who are making squares for BBB. They are working so hard and what they are doing will truly make a difference. Thank you Beltsville Adventist School!

Family

This weekend my family gathered to love and support my grandfather during his last moments. He said that the first thing that he wants to do in heaven is hold baby Breelyn. This picture is one of my sisters and cousins learning to crochet to support parents who’ve lost a child as we’re supporting my grandfather. Death is hard to see- even when the person is in their 90s and has lived a full and blessed life. But family and friends help to ease the burden. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

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